Shattered by the past and scared of the future
by Pianoninja
Summary: When Rachel Bailey faints at work she finds herself dealing with something very big all on her own.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! So, this was only going to be a one-shot but it ended up a lot longer than planed so hopefully I'll be able to fit it in two quite long (for me) chapters. Anyway, hope you enjoy, and drop me a review :D **

**1pm**

"Go home kid" Gill urged the young DC as she observed the pale woman sat silently in her office.

"I'm fi-" she tried to resist tepidly but the older SIO interrupted her with double the force,

"Seriously Rachel, we haven't got anything major going on and you can take some paperwork home with you" she allowed herself a small friendly smile to her junior before gesturing her towards the door where she knew Janet would be eagerly waiting. One of her oldest friends had become like a mother to Rachel ever since she joined the syndicate just over two years ago and she was always looking out for her in both her professional and personal lives. Rachel came slowly to her feet, stopping momentarily as her vision clouded slightly.

"Thanks Boss" she thanked her superior and swiftly left the office, picking up her bag from beneath her desk and heading towards the doors. She stood just inside the door way and lit a cigarette to calm her nerves, wrapping her jacket tighter around her torso to insulate herself from the cool damp air as she breathed in the toxic relief.

"Rachel?" she heard her friend's voice behind her and felt a hand on her arm as she turned her head to see Janet's startling blue eyes beaming back at her. "You had me really worried back there" she paused and waited to see whether the DC needed more prompting.

"I'm fine" was her simple reply between sucking in the last drags of her cigarette.

"Why is Gill sending you home then? Come on Rach we're supposed to be mates" playing the guilt card to her partner in crime - excuse the pun. She caught Rachel roll her eyes and held back the need to reprimand her like she would Tasie or Elise, then decided to diverge a little, "will you be alright driving yourself home?" Rachel tutted at her colleague before stubbing out her cigarette on the wall and chucking the butt on the floor in front of her.

"Fine." she replied bluntly as she turned and walked away towards her car. Janet watched on from the doorway as the blue car drove away, before returning back to her work and her colleagues, letting herself get lost in her thoughts.

* * *

**4pm**

She sat down with a bit of a bump on her bathroom floor. The stick of white plastic in her hand glaring back at her, taunting her with two tiny red lines. Again, she was thinking of last time, all of that business with Nick Savage and Stelikos meant she never really let herself grieve for her lost child. Janet was insistent that she take time of work but Rachel Baily knowing it best to carry on as normal. She was softer with her, Janet, in the few weeks afterwards, and Gill. She wondered whether her boss would be as understanding this time, unexpected pregnancies weren't exactly helpful in the police force. She pulled herself up off the cold tiles and stood for a moment, inspecting her reflection in the mirror. "You're pale" was what Janet would say, or "you've got no colour". Then she'd question whether the younger woman had eaten recently, trying to force coffee and sandwiches down her.

All of sudden she felt a whirling in the pit of her stomach and found herself diving back to the floor, in front of the toilet, gagging and spitting up just liquid and bile. She rocked back on her knees and sat on her feet, reaching to the side for tissue to wipe her mouth. She let out a deep breath before discarding of it and flushing the toilet.

"Shit." she exclaimed to herself as reality hit her straight, "Shit shit shit!" she bought her hand up to her mouth, stifling the terrified sobbing fighting to get out of her and blinked a few times in a futile effort to stop the tears from falling.

* * *

**8pm**

He walked through the front door, confused to find it already unlocked,

"Rach?" he called as he walked cautiously through the hall way. She responded to him bluntly,

"What." He walked into the lounge to see her sitting cross legged on the sofa, laptop in front of her and the floor covered in various printed sheets and scribbled notes on scraps of lined paper.

"Jesus Rachel, you nearly gave me a heart attack, I thought someone had broken in!"

"Oh yeah and they brutally murdered me too, you might not want to take your coat off, Godzilla gets really arsey if you mess with a crime scene" she gave a reply dripping in sarcasm without turning her face from the screen.

"Alright, who rattled your cage?" he nudged her with his elbow as he walked past and clambered over to the other side of the sofa. "What are you doing home anyway?" here was the inevitable line of questioning "I didn't think you big shot detectives clocked off until all the bad guys were put away." '_Idiot_' Rachel thought to herself.

"Gill sent me home" she explained in short, hoping that would be enough to throw him off the scent.

"What? Why? What did you do?" he placed his hand on her arm in an effort to make her turn away from her work and look at him. She sighed and half closed the laptop before continuing

"Nothing. Does it really matter?" Sean just gave her a confused look and went on digging into her story, only his voice held a softer more concerned tone

"Yes, what's going on Rach?" She wormed her arm away from his grasp and stood up from the sofa, walking into the kitchen before beginning slowly and somewhat carefully.

"Ok, don't panic; but I fainted at work" she stopped for a moment to let him process this while she filled the kettle. "Brew?" she added in effort to retain some normality on her part. She saw his eyes widen as he hurried towards,

"You what! Well, are you ok? What happened?" he clasped his hands around her shoulders, forcing her to stand rooted to the spot while his glowing eyes bore into her.

"I'm absolutely fine, I just skipped breakfast" she lied, brushing of his hands along with his concern.

"Right, well if you're feeling up to it a few of the lads have invited me out for a few beers. What d'ya say?" She rolled her eyes as she turned away from him and flicked the switch on the wall to boil the kettle.

"No thanks, you go though" she immediately recognised something akin to pity in his eyes and added sternly but with a smile "go! I'll be fine."

* * *

**10pm **

Sat in the bathroom again, on the edge of the bath this time, a different test - the same result. Her head was spinning uncontrollably as she fumbled trying to pull her phone from her pocket. She sent a hurried text to Janet

_'Can you talk? Need your advice - R x' _

Then once again found herself retching into the toilet bowl, every limb shaking uncontrollably and her head pounding every time she gagged.

* * *

**10:30pm**

Rachel woke up on the floor, she couldn't work out where she was until she sat up and the blue tiles of her bathroom came into focus. She could hear a deep voice and the banging on the door was like a stabbing in her temples.

"Rach? Rachel are you in there?" Sean. She pulled herself heavily to her feet and flicked the lock on the door. Her husband burst in as she leant on the sink and splashed cool water on her face. "What the hell is going on with you today?" he barked. She guessed he hadn't meant to sound angry, just worried. "You're as white as a sheet and...have you been sick?" he spun her round and looked into her eyes.

"I...yeah. Urm...I woke up in the floor just now, I guess I passed out again." Rachel watched Sean's eyes widen once again and let herself fall into his embrace. She could feel his heart racing against her own chest and felt his warm hands on her back. His eyes set on the white plastic stick on the floor,

"Rachel..." She pulled away slowly as she realised, and took his hands in her own,

"We um...we need to talk."

* * *

**10:45pm**

"Rachel you mad bitch, where the fuck are you going!?" Sean followed her out the door as she sped in a fluster with her bag and coat in one hand, car keys in the other. His face was red hot with fury and rage, she continued to walk away and ignore him. "It's the middle of the night you lunatic, what the hell are you thinking?" She climbed into her car and locked the doors swiftly, trying to blink away the tears forming in her eyes while he hammered on the window. "You're pregnant and you need to accept that, it's not all about Rachel Bailey anymore!" She slammed the car into gear and flew off the drive, leaving her husband shouting like a mad man in the middle of the street, "RACHEL! COME BACK YOU STUPID COW!"

Rachel ran the roads of Chadderton like an F1 racer, swerving around corners and breaking every law in place. She dialed Janet on speaker phone - no answer. Sean's words flooded her mind.

_"You are? That's brilliant news! Oh Rachel you don't know how ha-" he stopped as he took in his wife's facial expression and decided to tread the subject carefully. "What?" he queried slowly. Her brown eyes beamed back at him, terrified. _

_"I Urm...are we sure we're ready for this? Is this really what we want?" He could feel the anger beginning to bubble inside him, Rachel Bailey - afraid of commitment is what he'd been told. He gritted his teeth,_

_"What do you mean? Do you not want this baby?" Rachel took a deep breath, _

_"I...I don't know. I mean..." Sean doesn't know about last time - Nick's baby - she wondered if she should tell him now. _

_"Rach, let me know if I'm wrong, but I'm starting to feel as though I'm more committed to this marriage than you.." She began to notice the anger brewing inside her own chest at this point,_

_"What!?" she bit back at him "Just because I don't want to be a house wife with seven kids while you go off directing traffic every day, I'm 'not committed'?" _

_"Well...why are you so distraught to be carrying my child!?" Sean came back at her just as riled. _

_"I'm not" she was quieter now, feeling guilty that she was doing this to him. "I just...I...I'm sorry, I can't do this." _

* * *

**11pm**

The car pulled up on the pavement outside the Scotts' house and Rachel took a moment wipe the traces of abandoned mascara from her face in the mirror. She held her pale hands out in front of her and took a deep breath to stop herself from shaking, then moved swiftly towards the front door as the cold air bit at her face. As she rang the doorbell and waited she brought a shaky hand to her abdomen, biting her lip hard as she felt tears forming in her brown eyes once again. The door creaked open slightly, with the chain bolted across. Rachel could make out Janet's mother, Dorothy, peeping through the gap.

"Oh hi, uh" Rachel stammered.

"Janet's not here." Dorothy interrupted in an exasperated tone. She could see the young woman's watery eyes and took note of how pale she was, even in the dark, but she had never liked the DC and surely she had her own family to go and bother. Rachel pulled her coat further around herself and took in a lungful of the frozen air.

"Oh right, sorry" she babbled before she turned away. Dorothy did feel sorry for the young woman but she had her grandchildren upstairs in bed to think about. She didn't need her sort bringing trouble knocking at the door.

* * *

**11:05pm **

Rachel was bombing down the A665 as the heavens opened and thunder rumbled across the sky, with a mass of tears now filling and spilling from her eyes, she dialed Janet's number again - still nothing. A nauseous feeling rattled around the pit of her stomach and her head spun as she tried to concentrate on the road in front of her. A big black Jaguar appeared suddenly out of nowhere, leaving Rachel's car to swerve to the side of the road. The other driver sounded his horn loudly as the car flew past and Rachel just managed to regain her control. Slowing herself down whilst furiously trying to blink tears out of her eyes, she pulled into a layby. Just as the engine cut out there was a buzzing on the seat next to her, she grabbed her phone and focused her tear filled eyes on the caller ID - Gill. 'What the fuck does she want?' she thought to herself. She cleared her throat, took a deep breath and pressed the answer button on her phone.

"Hello?"

_"Hi, Rachel, just thought I'd check in on you. You alright?" _There was an empty silence as Rachel bit her lip and tried her hardest not to cry on the phone to the DCI. _"Rachel?" _

"Urm...I..."

_"Where are you Kid?"_


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello my Lovelies! Hope you're all well. Sorry it's been so long but here's the second half, I really hope you enjoy it because I actually had a lot of fun writing it. (Especially GIll.) **

**P.s. How's everyone enjoying the new series 4? and omg who's read 'Ruthless?'**

**11:15pm**

The distressed young detective found herself in a somewhat unfamiliar situation as she sat in a local service station, sipping from a hot drink, facing her boss. Godzilla was watching her intently as she sat with her hands wrapped around her own steamy cup of coffee. The older woman had been concerned about her junior after the morning's events, it wasn't like Rachel to fall ill and extremely unusual for her to be so quiet.

"What's going on Rachel?" Gill pressed after a lengthy silence between the pair.

"Uh..well-" she stopped and sighed hopelessly before questioning back "'d'you know where Janet is?" Gill replied confused,

"What?...Rachel! Stop changing the subject, what's wrong?"

"Sorry" she said timidly. "I'm…I urm, I'm pregnant." She watched as Gill's eyes widened slightly,

"Right…does Sean know?" she asked carefully. Rachel nodded her head defeated, swallowing back her tears,

"We got into a massive fight…I stormed out and –"

"-and now you feel like a bit of a twat with nowhere to go because Janet's out shagging Andy and for some reason her mother, who is currently babysitting her children, loves me but hates your guts." Gill stated simply. The corners of Rachel's mouth twitched upwards slightly as she scoffed sadly.

"Yeah that sounds about right… I'm sorry, I shouldn't be bothering you with all this, I'll just go back home and sort my shitty mess out." She replied, moving to stand up from the small table. Gill's eyes widened and she shot a disciplinary look to Rachel,

"You'll do no such thing lady! You're freezing, you're pregnant and you look like shit. You're going to finish your tea, let me buy you some'ut to eat and give me your phone so I can call that brainless husband of yours and give him a lesson in Rachel Bailey managing tactics." The DC stared back at her boss for a moment, half in shock but partly grateful as she saw this new side to Godzilla.

**11:30pm**

"Right, I'm going to try him one more time and if the twat doesn't answer his god damn phone I'm going to take you back to mine, then I'm gonna shove the bloody thing up his arse!" Gill growled as she clicked on the phone number once again and listened to the endless ringing. "Urgh!" She threw the phone back at her DC as the man's childish answerphone message played in her ear for the fifth time that evening. "Right, come on you, I don't particularly think you should be driving right now…or any time really because bloody hell girl my son's a better driver than you! Anyway, just follow me back to mine and I'll set you somewhere to sleep." Gill told Rachel, with what seemed to be some hint of her meaning well.

**11:50pm**

"'ere you are cock" Gill tossed a blanket and pillow at the young DC who was now sitting with her hands cradling a steamy cup of cocoa and wearing a pair of her boss' too-short-tracksuit bottoms and a baggy hoodie. She nodded in thanks, placing the cup down on the coffee table and arranging the pillow on the sofa, before her phone began ringing. Janet's name shone up on the illuminated phone screen, causing Rachel to inhale sharply as she answered the phone.

"Rach?" Janet chirped down the phone line before Rachel had chance to convey her relief at hearing from her friend.

"Hi…" she didn't know what else to say to the older woman or where to start from.

"Rachel! You've called me five times, my Mum told me you turned up at our house, what the heck's going on?" Her voice continued to get higher as she seemed to get rather maternal and caring on her best friend. Gill then walked back in the room in purple gingham pajama bottoms and a black t-shirt, quietly asking

"that Janet?" and gesturing to the phone. Rachel replied with a nod and Gill smiled before leaving the room, satisfied that her friend would take care of her.

"Was that Gill or am I hearing things?" Janet queried, feeling even more confused. Rachel yawned then forced out a

"Yeah…I'm at her hou-" before her voice cracked and she took a long shaky breath. Janet's voice then took on a softer, more concerned tone as she asked

"Rachel…are you alright?" She heard a quiet, sad murmur from the other end and barely caught Rachel whisper,

"No…"

**5:00am**

Gill awoke to a peculiar noise coming from downstairs. She opened her eyes slowly, allowing them to focus before her mind clicked and realised who was retching and spluttering in her bathroom. She padded down the stairs slowly, rubbing her eyes and stifling a yawn as she tied her dressing gown tightly around her waist.

"Rachel?" she called outside the door, "How's it going kid? You sound like me after a good Friday night on the town." After a moment's silence the toilet flushed and the door creaked open slowly to reveal Rachel's pale greyish looking pallor and Gill gave her a look that said something along the lines of 'Jesus Rach you look like crap'. She placed a comforting hand on the DC's shoulder, guiding her back towards the lounge where she gently placed the thick tartan blanket back over her and asked "so how are we feeling? Heard anything off King Knob?" Rachel shook her head and sighed saying,

"Like death warmed up…and no, not so much as a text message." Gill stood up from where she was sat on the arm of the sofa, giving Rachel's ankle a supportive squeeze adding,

"I'll go and get you some water."

**6:30am**

Although she had been reluctant to let her work and told Rachel she could stay at hers as long as she needed, Gill drove the pair of them to work early and the DC was now sitting at her desk, struggling to focus on the paperwork she was supposed to be doing and staring half-heartedly across the room, when Janet walked in. After placing her bag down next to her desk she took her best friend's hand, pulling her to her feet and leading her to the bathroom.

"So?" Janet prompted her friend, partly terrified of what she was going to hear.

"Pregnant." Rachel, who had managed to organize her thoughts somewhat since last night, stated simply. "And I panicked and ran off from Sean, he thinks I'm a bitch…I have been a bitch."

"Oh Rach", Janet's bright blue eyes glowed back at her, full of pity, "have you heard off him?" Rachel shook her head, facing the floor in shame,

"Gill's been trying to phone him since last night, he's not answering."

"Twat" Janet said plainly. "Anyway how was Gill's?" Rachel shot her a look as she said

"Fucking weird, it was like going home with the head teacher!" earning a light-hearted laugh from the pair.

**9:00pm**

Janet peered around Gill's office door as she said let her know she was going home, then whispered

"I'm going to take Sherlock home and try and get her to talk to the hubby too", her boss smiled knowingly back at her.

"Come on you" she gestured to Rachel, placing a supporting hand on her back as she stood up from her desk.

The pair got into Janet's car, Rachel was picking nervously at her fingernails and chewing her lip.

"Come on then, we've got the journey to yours for you to explain to me what was going on in that head of yours that made you run away from your husband" Janet said, giving her hand a squeeze. Rachel took a deep breath inwards before she breathed out

"Georgios Stelikos. That day….I-I just feel like I'm replacing her."

"She?" Janet probed gently.

"Just a feeling I had" Rachel replied sadly, "my little blue eyed girl running around with bouncy brown curls." Janet looked over to the DC as they came to a stop at some traffic lights.

"You know it's okay to miss her don't you? I think about Joshua every single bloody day but you are allowed to move on. If you don't get on with your life it'll suck you in and kill you." Rachel felt a pang of guilt hit her in the chest, she was moping about a child she never met while Janet had lived with the pain of getting to know her baby boy and then losing him for no understandable reason. "Just be grateful that you've got another chance at this, and you don't have to forget about her, but for god's sake Rach talk to Sean."

**9:15pm**

Janet pulled up outside Rachel's, then turned sideways, taking the younger woman's hands in her own.

"Ready?" Rachel nodded uncertainly. "Deep breath" Janet advised then unlocked the door and watched her walk slowly up the drive.

She knocked lightly and waited while she listened to the approaching footsteps. The door swung open and she watched Sean's face drop,

"Oh so you've returned then" he said scowling at her.

"Can I come in?" she asked softly, to which he replied by rolling his eyes but opened the door wide as she walked past him and into the house.

**9:20pm**

"Here" he said, placing a cup of hot sweet tea in front of his wife. "So, have you booked an abortion yet then?" he spat out sharply. She glared at him momentarily before shifting in her seat to face him and sighing,

"No. And I don't plan to" catching his attention and causing him to look up at her. "I want to this baby…I have always wanted this baby. I just haven't been wholly open with you." His eyes narrowed as he moved towards her,

"Rach…what is it?" he asked, concern coating his face.

"Last year…just before Nick dumped me, I got pregnant." Sean felt his heart thumping up into his throat

"wh- where is this going Rachel?" Her brown eyes flicked downwards, breaking eye-contact with him.

"I lost her…she died halfway through the pregnancy." Sean took hold of the hand closest to him,

"I don't get it, shouldn't this be like your second chance or something then?" Rachel exhaled slowly, trying to control the tears pricking behind her eyes,

"I'm just fucking terrified…what if it happens again?" she explain quietly, her voice cracking into almost nothing. He pulled her shaking body into his arms, resting his head over her shoulder and rubbing a comforting hand up and down her back as he reassured her,

"Then we'll get through it."

**So that's it! Drop me a review if you fancy. **

**I may write and Epilogue to this too if anyone fancies it. **

**Bye! x **


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